Welcome. I have some bad news for you.

I hate to be the one to tell you this, especially because we just met, but you have a DadBod. And you need to destroy it.

What, pray tell, is a DadBod? Let’s consult the dictionary:

DadBod (dad-bod) Noun. 1. An area of one’s life that has gradually atrophied due to inattention and is now vaguely shitty and uninspiring.

A DadBod is not a screaming emergency. If you are morbidly obese or can’t afford next month’s mortgage payment, you know what your top priority should be. By definition, destroying your DadBod will never be the most urgent or time-sensitive thing on your to-do list. But that’s precisely what makes it so insidious. DadBod destruction is a textbook low-urgency/high-importance task.

The root cause of developing a DadBod is inattention. Oftentimes this inattention is for a perfectly good reason. For instance, I’ve yet to meet a parent whose physical fitness didn’t take a step or two backwards immediately after having a baby (except for those super-obnoxious people whose kids sleep 8+ hours/night from birth but I keep myself sane by detailed day-dreaming about the five-figure orthodontia bills they will churn out 10 years from now). The problem is that these periods of inattention all too often end up becoming the new normal.

Lest you think a DadBod is limited to the realm of physical fitness, it’s important to understand that DadBods come in myriad flavors:

Literal DadBod AKA Physical DadBod: This is the one you are probably most familiar with and it reached its apex in June of 2015 with the following image:

For those of you who don’t know him, this is Jim Harbaugh, head football coach of the University of Michigan. He played quarterback in the NFL for fifteen years but his current physique doesn’t scream “peak physical performance”. I love this man so much I can hardly stand it (Editor's note: I originally drafted this post in 2016 and since that time, my feelings toward Harbaugh have cooled significantly. Still can't deny the perfection of his Physical DadBod, though).

The sub-varieties of the Physical DadBod are worth noting. Perhaps you are the proud owner of a high-school-athlete-who-hasn’t-seen-the-inside-of-a-gym-in-years DadBod. Or maybe the turns-out-that-whole-metabolism-slowing-down-in-your-thirties-thing-was-the-real-deal DadBod. I myself used to possess the Painfully Scrawny DadBod, see Exhibit A.

Exhibit A. Yours truly circa 2007, in dire need of a protein shake and 2,500 pull-ups. Please note the extreme wrist strain caused by the 11 pound, 1 ounce behemoth nestled safely in his carseat.

Financial DadBod: You don’t really know how much you’re spending per month but you’re by no means living paycheck to paycheck. You think you opted into your 401(k) at work but you don’t know the details. You got a few raises in recent years but you don’t seem to consistently have more money leftover at the end of every month.

Parental DadBod: You’ve got a decent routine going with your kids but part of you feels like you're going through the motions. You haven’t taught them the two or three things that have been most critical to your success but you assume that one way or another they will get the picture. You want to be the person they would always come to for advice but you can’t say with certainty that is the case.

Career DadBod: You answer every “how is work?” question with “Good. Busy.” You don’t absolutely dread driving in every morning but would definitely prefer to stay home. You see some value in what you do for a living but if society was starting from scratch, you're confident that your job would be low on the list of “we definitely need a ________”.

Relationship/Social DadBod: You have a group of friends that you like to hang out with but you don’t leave most get-togethers with them feeling energized and with a sore stomach from laughing your ass off. Your significant other is great but you don’t connect nearly as often as you used to.

Hobby DadBod: Not everyone can have a job they love or even like all that much. But everyone can, and should, spend their free time doing things they find fascinating and absolutely can’t get enough of. If you’re often bored in your free time or don’t have a hobby that you are passionately interested in, this bod’s for you (sorry, not sorry for the pun).

This is by no means an exhaustive list, there are more varieties of DadBods than seasons of Survivor (note to self – refresh this shitty joke with an equally bad, freshly obsolete pop culture reference from time to time).

Here is your homework for today:  Take 30 minutes to make a list of your potential DadBods. Hone in on which one leaves the worst taste in your mouth. Does lingering on one give you a tinge anxiety/shame or make your stomach hurt? Bingo.

Make sure you choose your DadBod wisely because over the next 90 days, you are going to fucking destroy it.